So next week is the three month mark on my first relationship. Now, I am not the type of person to mark every anniversary, I believe that's rather dumb. The only anniversary that should be celebrated in my opinion is your wedding anniversary. However, it did cause me to think.
Reflections thus far on the relationship: I enjoy it, it is one of the greatest pleasures in my life right now. A is an amazing guy, and he treats me like a princess, which is more than I could ever hope for. Plus he is very understanding and supportive of my past childhood sexual abuse, and is very patient with me. That's a thing that is hard to find, and I don't blame most men for shying away. It takes a very special person to deal with that. He was my closest male friend before we dated, and I am so glad it was him. It's like having a best friend, only you can make out with him. In other words, I am truly smitten and unashamed. :-)
However, it is very weird being part of a "we". I enjoy at times, at others it is somewhat disconcerting. I am not as much of an "I" as I once was. I was used to having plenty of me time before this (though I will admit I was rather lonely at times as well) and enjoyed doing things by myself. I suppose I can still do that, but it's a bit different. The space in my head is taken up a bit. I don't know how to explain it. It's like you're all alone, then suddenly you get this extra arm, and you're not sure what to do with it. I feel in a way like I have lost a bit of myself, and I am not sure if I like it or not. Sometimes being with someone feels like a ball and chain around my ankle. I can't do things alone a lot. But I didn't totally enjoy doing them alone in the first place either. It's like, I got something and parts of it are great. Some aren't as great. But nothing in life is perfect. I guess I just hate feeling trapped. I like to free to do anything I want, and this is different for me. However, the pros majorly outweight the cons. I am a very happy girl.
Idk...more reflections later. For the moment, I am liking it a lot more than I dislike it.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Songs that make you go: WTF?!
Today's post is dedicated to songs that make you go blink and yell: WTF??? Because they're just so weird. Or stupid. Or both. It's those songs that are just so weird, you have to laugh, because you don't know what else to do. Other than run from the room screaming, which might, in some cases be as socially unacceptable as some of these songs are.
1. Clowny Clown Clown-Crispin Hellion Glover
It's a general rule in this word that anything made by Crispin Glover (George Mcfly in Back to the Future and The Creepy Thin Man in the Charlie's Angels movies for those with slow-or perhaps mercifully forgetful where Glover is concerned-memories) will be suitably bizarre. He's just that cool. In fact, I had a tough time choosing which song off his only album, The Big Problem Does Not Equal The Solution, The Solution Equals Let It Be, to go onto this list. After all, there is his extremely bizarre cover of the Nancy Sinatra favorite, These Boots are Made For Walking, where he whines like a little girl (then again, when does he not?). Then again, there's his song, Auto Manipulator (which sadly I could not find a working mp3 of), a song about masturbation, where Glover states:
"Women are sweet, and girls are honey
But beat your meat and save your money."
So ladies, never go on a date with Glover. Besides that fact that he wears the same cheap nappy suit to every premiere (check out his photos on wireimage if you don't believe me-the truth is there), he's cheap, and can't keep his hands off his wang.
Another choice was The New Clean Song which is suitably bizarre in itself. (Listen to it yourself. I don't even wanna try and explain this one.)
But ultimately, in the end, I had to go with Glover's song, Clowny Clown Clown. It details the story of a clown Glover saw sitting on a mound, barking like a hound (maybe it was an literary illusion of an ugly woman?). Then the clown leaves, and he is sad. All of this song is delivered in a flat whiney monotone that Glover is so adept at. Better yet, there's a music video. Notable for Glover's weird attempts at dancing or something. Wouldn't you have loved to play the slightly sexy clown in this?
Epic video.
2. Start Wearing Purple-Gorgol Berdello.
I love this guy. First off, I can't pronounce his name, which is always awesome, since people can't pronounce my last name. I feel for people like him.
Secondly, he has this really awesome Hungarian (or Russian, or Ukrainian) accent. If a song is sung in that accent, that automatically makes it cooler in my book. This accent (and his weird fashion sense) makes me feel that perhaps he is a starving clown who has just escaped from the gypsy circus. Heck, his style of music is even called Gypsy Punk. Life can't get any better than listening to some weird Hungarian guy telling you to start wearing purple. Heck, maybe I will!
Start wearing purple people! Or you sanity and wits, they will all vanish, I promise-just like Gogol Berdello's when he wrote this song.
3. Ding Dong Song-Gunther and the Sunshine Girls
Yet another artist with whom I had a hard time deciding what song to put onto this blog.
There are so many options after all-Pleasureman (with lyrics proclaiming Gunther's sexual prowess), Teeny Weeny String Bikini (with lyrics proclaiming Gunther's sexual prowess), Naughty Boy (yet again with lyrics proclaiming Gunther's sexual prowess) and the classic, I'm Your Man-G.U.N.T.H.E.R.
which features his initials being spelled out with each letter representing something such as G for Gracious.
All classic hits are off Gunther's first album, Pleasureman. There is a review of this album on the appropriately titled site, i-mockery.com in (again appropriately titled) the "Albums That Sucked" Section. Gunter (aka Mats Soderlund) apparently is well known around the United States for penning and performing hiliriously bad songs. The sad (or funny) thing about this guy is how seriously he takes himself. He really does think he is sexy as those acid washed jeans you owned in 1985 with his mullet, handlebar mustache, white jeans, and aviator circa 1985 sunglasses. Take a look at his website (or better yet his myspace or flickr site featuring photos complete with commentary from Gunther) which opens to a picture of Gunther in his full naked glory, a wine bottle covering pertinent parts (since he is so small) the words "Enter the Empire" next to it. Clearly this man is on a mission. He wishes to promote his four tenants "Sex, Glamor, Champagne, and Respect" to the world. He wants to show us true sexiness, yet ends up a laughing stock. Poor Gunther.
So what made the Ding Dong Song stand out among all these obviously classic WTF?! hits? To be honest it was the first line (and chorus) that got me stole my heart:
"Ooo...you touch my tra la la
ooo...my ding ding dong"
That's an example of classic writing right there. (Though supposedly Gunther did not pen the song, according to the oft inaccurate Wikipedia, so don't take my word for it. It was apparently penned and performed by the Dutch Group-what is it about those Europeans?-called Phill & Company in 1984. It's title back then was Tralala.) Ooooo....my ding dong! Seriously, what grown straight man refers to his dick as his "tra la la"? (Then again, he is European, and Swedish at that. Remember, Sweden also brought us ABBA....)
For added fun, here is Gunther's music video for Ding Dong Song. Caution, only permitted for viewers 18 and up! Minors could get traumatized by Gunther's supposedly sexiness.
4. What What (In The Butt)-Samwell
So you're a black gay man, and you just want your preferences understood by the world. What ever shall you do? Then one day, the idea hits you like a Lance Bass-you can write a wholesome little ditty about anal sex! It certainly will promote peace, love and tolerance. It'll be awesome! After all, who will laugh at your music video featuring psuedo seventies imagery (used because the seventies was the era of love obviously) fake motions of gay sex, and pants that say "What" in sparkly beads on each cheek? That would be homophobic and politcally incorrect.
While the song is funny in itself, the music video is a classic. Check it out (though proceed with caution, this song will scar you for life!):
It's been days since I've seen it last, and that song is still stuck in my head. I have to fight the urge to sing "What what, in the butt" on the subway. Not good. All I have to wonder is, is Samwell really delicate like a flower? Seriously, this song should become the official gay anthem. They could sing it at all the gay marriage protests. Can't you just picture it now? Thousands of gay men screaming "What What, in the butt?!" then hooking up in seedy hotel rooms afterwards? Beautiful.
Sadly, I could not find a mp3 of this classic hit (Hypem how you have failed me!), though according to Samwell's website, the song is avaviable on itunes. You can also hear it in streaming form on Samwell's myspace.
1. Clowny Clown Clown-Crispin Hellion Glover
It's a general rule in this word that anything made by Crispin Glover (George Mcfly in Back to the Future and The Creepy Thin Man in the Charlie's Angels movies for those with slow-or perhaps mercifully forgetful where Glover is concerned-memories) will be suitably bizarre. He's just that cool. In fact, I had a tough time choosing which song off his only album, The Big Problem Does Not Equal The Solution, The Solution Equals Let It Be, to go onto this list. After all, there is his extremely bizarre cover of the Nancy Sinatra favorite, These Boots are Made For Walking, where he whines like a little girl (then again, when does he not?). Then again, there's his song, Auto Manipulator (which sadly I could not find a working mp3 of), a song about masturbation, where Glover states:
"Women are sweet, and girls are honey
But beat your meat and save your money."
So ladies, never go on a date with Glover. Besides that fact that he wears the same cheap nappy suit to every premiere (check out his photos on wireimage if you don't believe me-the truth is there), he's cheap, and can't keep his hands off his wang.
Another choice was The New Clean Song which is suitably bizarre in itself. (Listen to it yourself. I don't even wanna try and explain this one.)
But ultimately, in the end, I had to go with Glover's song, Clowny Clown Clown. It details the story of a clown Glover saw sitting on a mound, barking like a hound (maybe it was an literary illusion of an ugly woman?). Then the clown leaves, and he is sad. All of this song is delivered in a flat whiney monotone that Glover is so adept at. Better yet, there's a music video. Notable for Glover's weird attempts at dancing or something. Wouldn't you have loved to play the slightly sexy clown in this?
Epic video.
2. Start Wearing Purple-Gorgol Berdello.
I love this guy. First off, I can't pronounce his name, which is always awesome, since people can't pronounce my last name. I feel for people like him.
Secondly, he has this really awesome Hungarian (or Russian, or Ukrainian) accent. If a song is sung in that accent, that automatically makes it cooler in my book. This accent (and his weird fashion sense) makes me feel that perhaps he is a starving clown who has just escaped from the gypsy circus. Heck, his style of music is even called Gypsy Punk. Life can't get any better than listening to some weird Hungarian guy telling you to start wearing purple. Heck, maybe I will!
Start wearing purple people! Or you sanity and wits, they will all vanish, I promise-just like Gogol Berdello's when he wrote this song.
3. Ding Dong Song-Gunther and the Sunshine Girls
Yet another artist with whom I had a hard time deciding what song to put onto this blog.
There are so many options after all-Pleasureman (with lyrics proclaiming Gunther's sexual prowess), Teeny Weeny String Bikini (with lyrics proclaiming Gunther's sexual prowess), Naughty Boy (yet again with lyrics proclaiming Gunther's sexual prowess) and the classic, I'm Your Man-G.U.N.T.H.E.R.
which features his initials being spelled out with each letter representing something such as G for Gracious.
All classic hits are off Gunther's first album, Pleasureman. There is a review of this album on the appropriately titled site, i-mockery.com in (again appropriately titled) the "Albums That Sucked" Section. Gunter (aka Mats Soderlund) apparently is well known around the United States for penning and performing hiliriously bad songs. The sad (or funny) thing about this guy is how seriously he takes himself. He really does think he is sexy as those acid washed jeans you owned in 1985 with his mullet, handlebar mustache, white jeans, and aviator circa 1985 sunglasses. Take a look at his website (or better yet his myspace or flickr site featuring photos complete with commentary from Gunther) which opens to a picture of Gunther in his full naked glory, a wine bottle covering pertinent parts (since he is so small) the words "Enter the Empire" next to it. Clearly this man is on a mission. He wishes to promote his four tenants "Sex, Glamor, Champagne, and Respect" to the world. He wants to show us true sexiness, yet ends up a laughing stock. Poor Gunther.
So what made the Ding Dong Song stand out among all these obviously classic WTF?! hits? To be honest it was the first line (and chorus) that got me stole my heart:
"Ooo...you touch my tra la la
ooo...my ding ding dong"
That's an example of classic writing right there. (Though supposedly Gunther did not pen the song, according to the oft inaccurate Wikipedia, so don't take my word for it. It was apparently penned and performed by the Dutch Group-what is it about those Europeans?-called Phill & Company in 1984. It's title back then was Tralala.) Ooooo....my ding dong! Seriously, what grown straight man refers to his dick as his "tra la la"? (Then again, he is European, and Swedish at that. Remember, Sweden also brought us ABBA....)
For added fun, here is Gunther's music video for Ding Dong Song. Caution, only permitted for viewers 18 and up! Minors could get traumatized by Gunther's supposedly sexiness.
4. What What (In The Butt)-Samwell
So you're a black gay man, and you just want your preferences understood by the world. What ever shall you do? Then one day, the idea hits you like a Lance Bass-you can write a wholesome little ditty about anal sex! It certainly will promote peace, love and tolerance. It'll be awesome! After all, who will laugh at your music video featuring psuedo seventies imagery (used because the seventies was the era of love obviously) fake motions of gay sex, and pants that say "What" in sparkly beads on each cheek? That would be homophobic and politcally incorrect.
While the song is funny in itself, the music video is a classic. Check it out (though proceed with caution, this song will scar you for life!):
It's been days since I've seen it last, and that song is still stuck in my head. I have to fight the urge to sing "What what, in the butt" on the subway. Not good. All I have to wonder is, is Samwell really delicate like a flower? Seriously, this song should become the official gay anthem. They could sing it at all the gay marriage protests. Can't you just picture it now? Thousands of gay men screaming "What What, in the butt?!" then hooking up in seedy hotel rooms afterwards? Beautiful.
Sadly, I could not find a mp3 of this classic hit (Hypem how you have failed me!), though according to Samwell's website, the song is avaviable on itunes. You can also hear it in streaming form on Samwell's myspace.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Things I have always wondered
1. Do all old inner city Baptist Churches get their sancuary carpeting from the same supplier?
Because every one I've been in has that same Dawn of The Dead esque blood red velvet carpet. Maybe they all get their carpet from the stock that the Southern Baptist Covention bought forty years ago, and STILL can't get rid of. I mean seriously. I'm starting see some NEW Baptist churches with this stuff in their sancurary. Maybe it's the lemming affect? They have it, so we'll have it.
Baptist Churches are like McDonald's. You always know what's inside.
2. Why some guys call their girlfriends "Boo".
Is their girlfriend just that ugly and scary, that they need to say boo? Perhaps it's a subtle way of telling your girlfriend that they are actually a ghost (that could get awkward). Maybe the guy is Count Dracula in disguise, and that is his pet name for his vampire mistress. Who knows?
"I need you boo". Come on Chris Brown! You can come with a better pet name than that!
3. Why TV advertising presents sweaty guys as sexy.
They just aren't. Sweaty guys stink. They are not sexy. They never will be sexy. They have never been sexy. I prefer my man clean, non shiny, and smelling, well, clean.
Besides, being that shiny isn't natural. It's just weird.The only way you could get that shiny and not stink would be to rub oil all over your body, and that's just a bit creepy. Leave that one to the gay male strippers.
4. Why they are remaking a crummy movie from five years ago, that was a remake of a TV show from the 70's that was an attempt to bring a comic to life.
Is their girlfriend just that ugly and scary, that they need to say boo? Perhaps it's a subtle way of telling your girlfriend that they are actually a ghost (that could get awkward). Maybe the guy is Count Dracula in disguise, and that is his pet name for his vampire mistress. Who knows?
"I need you boo". Come on Chris Brown! You can come with a better pet name than that!
3. Why TV advertising presents sweaty guys as sexy.
They just aren't. Sweaty guys stink. They are not sexy. They never will be sexy. They have never been sexy. I prefer my man clean, non shiny, and smelling, well, clean.
Besides, being that shiny isn't natural. It's just weird.The only way you could get that shiny and not stink would be to rub oil all over your body, and that's just a bit creepy. Leave that one to the gay male strippers.
4. Why they are remaking a crummy movie from five years ago, that was a remake of a TV show from the 70's that was an attempt to bring a comic to life.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0800080/
Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood. *shakeshead* You tried the Hulk once five years ago. It didn't work. Deal! I know this is just a desperate quest to make money Hollywood, as you are fast running out of superheros to butcher *ahem*-I mean make movies about (Not that The Hulk was that great anyway, but I mean, come on. Making a movie about Iron Man? Now that's desperate!). But really? Redoing a movie that sucked in the first place five years ago, and is sure to suck again? Come on. No one's memory is that short, not even America's.
Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood. *shakeshead* You tried the Hulk once five years ago. It didn't work. Deal! I know this is just a desperate quest to make money Hollywood, as you are fast running out of superheros to butcher *ahem*-I mean make movies about (Not that The Hulk was that great anyway, but I mean, come on. Making a movie about Iron Man? Now that's desperate!). But really? Redoing a movie that sucked in the first place five years ago, and is sure to suck again? Come on. No one's memory is that short, not even America's.
5. Why Paris Hilton is famous
Not even God can rationalize this one. Heaven forbid that I try.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Five "Bad" But Funny Songs
You know those songs that are so funny, but you hate to laugh because the lyrics are racist/sexist/promoting drug useist (or some other ist I have yet to hear about)? Come all. You all know you've done. You've committed the cardinal sin-you laughed. In no particular order here are some of my favorites:
1. Alfie-Lily Allen
You have to love the contrast of Lilly Allen singing in her sweet voice about her lazy potsmoking (as well as engaging other more *ahem* messy activities) brother Alfie.
"Ooooo deary me,My little brother's in his bedroom smoking weed,I tell him he should get up cos it's nearly quarter past three. He can't be bothered cos he's high on THC."
http://www.its.caltech.edu/~aemiller/music/LilAllen/11%20Alfie.mp3
2. Because I Got High-Afroman
Continuing on the THC theme. I suppose this song could be used as an educational song in high schools: Don't get high kids, or else you want get any! Or be able to pay your child support. Or go to class. Or clean your room. Or do generally anything. (Though a lot of teenagers don't do anything anyway so perhaps it's a wasted warning.)
"I'm gonna stop singing this song because I'm high. I'm singing this whole thing wrong because I'm high and if I don't sell one copy I know why - cause I'm high"
http://kamikaz34.free.fr/01-afroman-becuase_i_got_high-ego.mp3
3. Emo Kid-Andrew and Adam
This song is so true. A relentless attack on the emo epidemic. Gotta love it. It's delivered in this flat depressing, yet ironic monotone that sterotpyically emo just like the rest of the song.
" 'I'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be. You'd be non-conforming too if you looked just like me! I have paint on my nails and make-up on my face. I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs."
http://www.musicwebtown.com/nerwenseregon/playlists/133744/1033604.mp3
4. Love Stinks-J. Geils Band
Trust the J. Geils band to tell you the truth about love. I first this song on a cd called "Love Sucks". Featured in the Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore vehicle, The Wedding Singer, it's the ultimate anti love song.
"(Love stinks) Love stinks yeah yeah (Love stinks). Love stinks yeah yeah (Love stinks). Love stinks yeah yeah (Love stinks). Love stinks yeah yeah."
Adam Sandler Version: http://monkeytoys.com/emma/musik/Adam Sandler wedding singer love stinks.mp3
J. Geils Band Version: http://www.musicwebtown.com/kainsmp3/playlists/102830/828823.mp3
5. Klan Man: Darren Crosby
Sung by teenagers all over, this horribly racist (and horribly funny) song is a parody of Black Sabbath's Iron Man.
" I am afro man, running through the woods, from the Ku-Klux Clan. They've got point hats, ghost white sheets and baseball bats. Why do they hate me so? Is it my skin or just my fro?"
Sadly (or not so sadly) I could not find an mp3 of this song on the web, despite much searching. If you come across one, please let me know.
-A
1. Alfie-Lily Allen
You have to love the contrast of Lilly Allen singing in her sweet voice about her lazy potsmoking (as well as engaging other more *ahem* messy activities) brother Alfie.
"Ooooo deary me,My little brother's in his bedroom smoking weed,I tell him he should get up cos it's nearly quarter past three. He can't be bothered cos he's high on THC."
http://www.its.caltech.edu/~aemiller/music/LilAllen/11%20Alfie.mp3
2. Because I Got High-Afroman
Continuing on the THC theme. I suppose this song could be used as an educational song in high schools: Don't get high kids, or else you want get any! Or be able to pay your child support. Or go to class. Or clean your room. Or do generally anything. (Though a lot of teenagers don't do anything anyway so perhaps it's a wasted warning.)
"I'm gonna stop singing this song because I'm high. I'm singing this whole thing wrong because I'm high and if I don't sell one copy I know why - cause I'm high"
http://kamikaz34.free.fr/01-afroman-becuase_i_got_high-ego.mp3
3. Emo Kid-Andrew and Adam
This song is so true. A relentless attack on the emo epidemic. Gotta love it. It's delivered in this flat depressing, yet ironic monotone that sterotpyically emo just like the rest of the song.
" 'I'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be. You'd be non-conforming too if you looked just like me! I have paint on my nails and make-up on my face. I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs."
http://www.musicwebtown.com/nerwenseregon/playlists/133744/1033604.mp3
4. Love Stinks-J. Geils Band
Trust the J. Geils band to tell you the truth about love. I first this song on a cd called "Love Sucks". Featured in the Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore vehicle, The Wedding Singer, it's the ultimate anti love song.
"(Love stinks) Love stinks yeah yeah (Love stinks). Love stinks yeah yeah (Love stinks). Love stinks yeah yeah (Love stinks). Love stinks yeah yeah."
Adam Sandler Version: http://monkeytoys.com/emma/musik/Adam Sandler wedding singer love stinks.mp3
J. Geils Band Version: http://www.musicwebtown.com/kainsmp3/playlists/102830/828823.mp3
5. Klan Man: Darren Crosby
Sung by teenagers all over, this horribly racist (and horribly funny) song is a parody of Black Sabbath's Iron Man.
" I am afro man, running through the woods, from the Ku-Klux Clan. They've got point hats, ghost white sheets and baseball bats. Why do they hate me so? Is it my skin or just my fro?"
Sadly (or not so sadly) I could not find an mp3 of this song on the web, despite much searching. If you come across one, please let me know.
-A
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
I Don't Want To Live This Way-Thoughts on the BDSM lifestyle
For several months now, I have experimented in the world of BDSM. You see for years, ever since I was a small child, I have had fantasies of being tortured. I would *ahem* play around a long to these fantasies. However, they didn't become truly sexual until around the age of fourteen. I was a normal dreamy fourteen old who wanted a knight on a white horse to sweep her away. However, there where those sweaty, secretive nights under the covers, touching myself imagining a dirty old man was raping and torturing me. I loved the idea of pain, yet at the same time it made me feel dirty and sick inside. For you see, this scenario I would enact in my private mind was something that had happened to my from the ages of 2-11, as I was sexually abused by more men and women than I ever will (or care to) remember. Much of my abuse was BDSM orientated. Many people would wonder why I would remember such a horror, and how this is all tied up into BDSM. Now, I have read many BDSM things, and have ultimately come to the conclusion that it is evil.
That may sound a harsh. And perhaps it is. I believe it is evil for the fact it supports sexual abuse and it's after effects. Many BDSM aficionados would disagree with me. Their motto is "Safe. Sane. Consensual." Many people in the community deny being abused as a children, and the ones who admit it claim it has no affect on their current sexuality. I beg to differ from experience. The reason sexual abuse is called such is because it is a direct on a very important part of a person-his or her sexuality. Being introduced to sex at a young age, in what is often a traumatizing matter, has some effect on a person's sexuality, be it little or small. I think people often follow the patterns we where taught as children. Children who are abused are taught sex is bad and should feel dirty. They are objects only to be used. Sex is painful. The abuser often tells the child that they like it, even if they don't. If the child does, greater guilt often happens later in life. These ideas are the very things BDSM promotes, esp. on the concept of submissives and slaves. Many sights have referred to slaves as "only good for their holes", that "they are an object of great value, not a person" that being whipped is pleasurable, that they deserve pain.
Many people after experiencing sexual abuse still believe these things. Heck, I still believe them at times about myself. After all, why shouldn't we? That was what we where told as children. The BDSM community preys upon child abuse victims such as myself. It is commonly known that survivors have violent and sadomasochistic sexual fantasies resulting from abuse. BDSM convinces them that this isn't a problem that needs to be worked out in therapy. They tell them that it is just their sexuality. Thus, the person opens up to a whole new cycle of "consensual" abuse. They ultimately will probably end up more traumatized then they started out as. For they are reliving the abuse with every whipping, with every consensual rape. There are many former BDSM slaves in therapy for all the abuses they willingly suffered.
You see, while I have all these terrible fantasies, I hate them. I still have a dream of someone who will touch me gently. Who will love me for who I am, and protect me. Who would never hurt me. Who would make love to me on the bed, slowly, softly, beautifully. This is what I love, what I enjoy the most. For whether packaged under the name BDSM or something else, it's all abuse. I don't want to live this way.
I want to be loved, and be treated like the person I am. Not an object.
I WILL NOT LIVE THAT WAY.
-A
That may sound a harsh. And perhaps it is. I believe it is evil for the fact it supports sexual abuse and it's after effects. Many BDSM aficionados would disagree with me. Their motto is "Safe. Sane. Consensual." Many people in the community deny being abused as a children, and the ones who admit it claim it has no affect on their current sexuality. I beg to differ from experience. The reason sexual abuse is called such is because it is a direct on a very important part of a person-his or her sexuality. Being introduced to sex at a young age, in what is often a traumatizing matter, has some effect on a person's sexuality, be it little or small. I think people often follow the patterns we where taught as children. Children who are abused are taught sex is bad and should feel dirty. They are objects only to be used. Sex is painful. The abuser often tells the child that they like it, even if they don't. If the child does, greater guilt often happens later in life. These ideas are the very things BDSM promotes, esp. on the concept of submissives and slaves. Many sights have referred to slaves as "only good for their holes", that "they are an object of great value, not a person" that being whipped is pleasurable, that they deserve pain.
Many people after experiencing sexual abuse still believe these things. Heck, I still believe them at times about myself. After all, why shouldn't we? That was what we where told as children. The BDSM community preys upon child abuse victims such as myself. It is commonly known that survivors have violent and sadomasochistic sexual fantasies resulting from abuse. BDSM convinces them that this isn't a problem that needs to be worked out in therapy. They tell them that it is just their sexuality. Thus, the person opens up to a whole new cycle of "consensual" abuse. They ultimately will probably end up more traumatized then they started out as. For they are reliving the abuse with every whipping, with every consensual rape. There are many former BDSM slaves in therapy for all the abuses they willingly suffered.
You see, while I have all these terrible fantasies, I hate them. I still have a dream of someone who will touch me gently. Who will love me for who I am, and protect me. Who would never hurt me. Who would make love to me on the bed, slowly, softly, beautifully. This is what I love, what I enjoy the most. For whether packaged under the name BDSM or something else, it's all abuse. I don't want to live this way.
I want to be loved, and be treated like the person I am. Not an object.
I WILL NOT LIVE THAT WAY.
-A
Jacob Jacob
Jacob, Jacob
Dark hollow eyes stare before me
Kind they once where
Now only pain fills them
You stand silently watching the world go by
Killing yourself with your self hatred and anger
Quiet you may seem
You are broken in all your stillness
It breaks my heart
That I don't know how to help you
Cannot help you.
These broken hands cannot hold yours
For you refuse to let them
I'm blind and deaf
Says the prophet he
I cannot find the lantern
That will break through the darkness that surrounds you
I cannot bring the healing touch
That will let you see the light
I cannot open your ears
So you can hear the voice crying out
“Jacob, Jacob run to me. “
“Jacob, Jacob, my lost son, cry out to me. I’m here for you”
Says The Father
Jacob, Jacob, the prophet he
He of the broken eyes
He who is the broken man
He who can be so much for Him
He who refuses help and love
For he thinks he does not deserve it
Jacob, Jacob, I cry for thee
Every night behind my dreams
My heart cries for you to realize
The hope you have
And the love so many have for you.
“Jacob, Jacob” says He “Run to me.
Jacob, Jacob the prophet he, Come back to Me”.
Dark hollow eyes stare before me
Kind they once where
Now only pain fills them
You stand silently watching the world go by
Killing yourself with your self hatred and anger
Quiet you may seem
You are broken in all your stillness
It breaks my heart
That I don't know how to help you
Cannot help you.
These broken hands cannot hold yours
For you refuse to let them
I'm blind and deaf
Says the prophet he
I cannot find the lantern
That will break through the darkness that surrounds you
I cannot bring the healing touch
That will let you see the light
I cannot open your ears
So you can hear the voice crying out
“Jacob, Jacob run to me. “
“Jacob, Jacob, my lost son, cry out to me. I’m here for you”
Says The Father
Jacob, Jacob, the prophet he
He of the broken eyes
He who is the broken man
He who can be so much for Him
He who refuses help and love
For he thinks he does not deserve it
Jacob, Jacob, I cry for thee
Every night behind my dreams
My heart cries for you to realize
The hope you have
And the love so many have for you.
“Jacob, Jacob” says He “Run to me.
Jacob, Jacob the prophet he, Come back to Me”.
Welcome
Welcome, fair reader, to my blog.
Yeah, so, I suck at introductions. Basically this is my blog. I'll putting things on here, from movie reviews, to mundane days in my life, to music, to politics, to beauty product reviews. Anything and everything. If you have a problem with what I write, deal.
So a few things about me. I'm a very bored student who loves to write. I have very eclectic taste in music. I like anything from the Kaiser Chiefs to classical music, to *shudderasIhatetoadmitthis* Paris Hilton. I enjoy reading, acting, improv and cooking on the occasion.
So, as for today, twas busy. Did school. Went to the library. That's all.
-A
Yeah, so, I suck at introductions. Basically this is my blog. I'll putting things on here, from movie reviews, to mundane days in my life, to music, to politics, to beauty product reviews. Anything and everything. If you have a problem with what I write, deal.
So a few things about me. I'm a very bored student who loves to write. I have very eclectic taste in music. I like anything from the Kaiser Chiefs to classical music, to *shudderasIhatetoadmitthis* Paris Hilton. I enjoy reading, acting, improv and cooking on the occasion.
So, as for today, twas busy. Did school. Went to the library. That's all.
-A
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